Obsession.

OB-SES-SION
-noun


the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc...

Many people don't know this, but I am quite a bit obsessive and when I say "quite" I mean MAJORLY. You may be giggling at the comment, but it has actually wreaked havoc on my life as of late. I have always had this issue starting when I was little. My mom says she noticed it first beginning when I was about 4 years old and my dad went to Korea for the Army. You see, I have the personality (and life experiences) that do not convey or articulate change as being something "good." I am a creature of habit, security and assurance. Although I am a person who has experienced so much change in my 24 years, it is something that I don't typically respond well to. So you take marriage, job change and a major move and you pretty much get a Jessica version of a crap sandwich. My poor husband...Nah, he is pretty crazy about me:)

 For a long time there has been no tension, friction or movement to really entice any of this behavior, however as of late it has resurfaced in full force. Case(s) in point: Locking my car 2 times and hearing the horn and still not believing it, checking the curling iron 5 times in a row, staring at it and still not being sure that it is turned off. A few more: thinking that somehow an email I sent had sensitive information (that magically appeared there??), being terrified of sending emails with typos (and having to get JJ to read them and be the one to send them so I don't "mess" it up), thinking that my phone line is always open and that people are listening into private conversations. Sadly, the list could probably go on a little longer, but I have already outed myself enough, I think:) 

I reveal all of this for both selfish and selfless reasons. I feel that if I put my sin out into the world and confess it then I may be taking a step to be set free. Also, I have to believe that there are other people, women specifically, walking on this earth right now who process stress, fear and loss of control this way. I know whole-heartedly that this is a way that Satan has chosen to attack me in 2011. I know that he has seen the opportunity to throw arrows of doubt at me as he is a brilliant study of character. The storm has been a perfect one for me to be under attack and I ashamed to say that I have let it hold me captive. After 4 weeks and moments of major inner turmoil and feelings of weakness, I am finally starting to turn my mind over to Christ. There is nothing more frustrating than how hardheaded I can be, waiting way too long to ask my Father for help. I guess weakness and false sense of control will do that to you. 

All of this to say, if you are women out there feeling like a crazy person for a ridiculous manifestation of fear or anxiety (whether it be similar to me or totally different) know you are not alone (oh, and feel free to reveal yourself so that I am not the only one standing here naked;-)). There are plenty of us out there, struggling with the many feelings that all women do and often times blowing these captivating behaviors off as just "who I am" and failing to admit how much joy it steals from our lives. We all want to feel safe and I am learning everyday that true safety will come from God, not in how many times I check the stove;-)

*wipes brow and steps down from soapbox*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now on a lighter note, a few fun things that I am "obsessed" with right now:

Samsung Front Load Washer and Dryer

The only part of Mexican food that Cali CAN'T mess up

SOOO Good, makes me miss the South

Juicing, a doctor in a glass

Oh, and my beautiful music man <3

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.- Psalm 94:19

With all my heart,

Jess